Tag Archives: Divorce

Surviving Divorce

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If I felt grown up buying my first home, getting married, having kids….

It’s nothing compared to how grown up I feel getting a divorce.

Only this time, not in a good way. It’s something to survive.

Tackling the emotional and practical side of ending a marriage, is like negotiating a minefield in oversized clown shoes.

Because there was once two of you promising to stay together forever. There was once two of you making plans, putting your trust in each other…

And then it all blew up in your face.

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Goodbye 2015… and thank you

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I lost my husband in 2015.

Sounds very careless of me, doesn’t it? Like I left him at the bus stop or something.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to belittle my marriage break-up. I guess I just use humour to cope with things.

But yes, when I look back at the year gone by, that’s probably the biggest event I’ll remember. That’s what 2015 has become in the milestones of my life. The year I ceased to be his other half and became “the ex”.

(And probably a lot of other, less-flattering descriptions which an impending divorce inevitably brings).

In the same way that old saying “Be careful what you wish for” tells us that an apparent blessing can be a curse, I’ve learned that what can appear to be a life-falling-apart disaster can bring with it so many gifts.

And it really is true that sometimes we don’t know what is best for us.

I’ve said a little this year about how life turned upside down, with a decision which was taken out of my hands, leaving very little option but to put one foot in front of the other.

As I journeyed through 2015, the landscape hasn’t been as bad as I feared.

Alongside the inevitable sadness, this past year has brought a lot to be thankful for.

And before I look forward to what 2016 might bring, it seems only fitting to send a big old thank you note to the last 12 months.

For the following gifts…

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To my sons: An apology

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My beautiful boys,

I’m sorry.

Those two words don’t quite seem to cut it. But they’re true.

Since your Dad left a few short weeks ago and we became a fractured family, you’ve had a lot of adapting to do.

And I’m sorry for so many things.

But in these last few weeks I’m especially aware that I need to apologise to you, for some things in particular.

 
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Acceptance: When a marriage is over

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When I started 2015 with a word to live by, I chose “acceptance”.

What I had in mind was letting go of relationships which weren’t working out. Accepting that they’d never be what I wanted.

I was focusing on a friendship which wasn’t going anywhere – after making all the effort and getting very little back – and a family member who hasn’t even met my youngest son, and doesn’t seem to want to be part of our lives.

What I didn’t realise was that these relationships weren’t my biggest problem.

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D.I.V.O.R.C.E.

 

How to overcome the financial and emotional issues that come with a divorce

Divorce happens for a number of different reasons, and leaves with it a great deal of issues for both parties. Whatever happened, your first thought as a mother is going to be how the children will cope with this upheaval? Additionally, though, it will be an emotional time where you are likely to feel everything from loss to anger to guilt to regret and back again.

With this in mind, it is imperative that you take onboard some tips and advice as to how you can keep your life on the straight and narrow. In 2010 there was a 4.9% increase on divorces from 2009, which meant 119,589 families went through this process. The point to take from this is that you aren’t alone and help will always be around.

Emotional issues

Women have long been pigeonholed as emotional and complicated creatures but, as we all know, they are also resilient and strong. When children are involved though, those walls can drop. It is important to remain positive even when you are on that rollercoaster of denial, anger, sadness and depression because you will come out stronger the other side.

Breaking up is hard and no matter how many pieces of advice on divorce you might read, the answer can be difficult to find. With all the legal battles and mixed emotions, consider these tips for taking care of yourself during the process:

  • Therapy – Many people might feel that they don’t want to talk or that therapy is accepting defeat. It really isn’t, and getting the help of a professional can really help to keep you in check emotionally.
  • Fitness – Help relieve (some) anxiety, tenseness and anger with regular exercise.
  • Spend quality time – From taking you children to the park to reading a book in the bath, make some time for yourself no matter how hectic things are.
  • Feel – Emotions can’t be stopped, they are there and don’t try to deal with them inwardly. At times, it’s healthy to let them out – good or bad.

Financial issues

Knowing who gets what after a split is only half the battle really. Moving on and budgeting following divorce is a tough nut to crack, especially in today’s economy. Be sure to be realistic during proceedings because it can take a long time to divide things like property and debt up along with dealing with tax and retirement issues. There really is no formula but consider these tips:

  • Communication – Often a reason for divorce in itself, you can lower financial stress by talking openly and frequently about proceedings.
  • Plan – It might seem unnecessary, but having a time and place each week to talk about things and set a budget will really help to smooth the process over with your spouse.
  • Financial responsibilities – While you should never share debt, be sure to work together on budgets to keep the family afloat.
  • Emergency plan – Don’t be greedy, but be sure to have a little cash tied away for a rainy day.

Final thoughts

Whether it is in marriage or divorce, money can cause a lot of problems. When you are trying to do the right thing by your children it is crucial to work together. This will also help you emotionally. While the marriage may not have ended the way you wanted, remember that there was a time when you and your ex-husband were a good team.

 

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