Category Archives: Divorce

Excuse my anxious heart

anxiousheart

Please excuse my anxious heart.

I am sorry it makes you uncomfortable when I need love and reassurance.

Pardon my panics, my palpitations and moments that you perceive as weakness.

No I haven’t found closure, and I get that you “can’t be bothered” with my insecurities and tears.

You know where the door is.

Because there is no cure for what ails me. And do you know what? I wouldn’t take it if there was.

My anxiety is a war wound I have recently learned to wear with pride.

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Surviving Divorce

train-tracks-split-cc

If I felt grown up buying my first home, getting married, having kids….

It’s nothing compared to how grown up I feel getting a divorce.

Only this time, not in a good way. It’s something to survive.

Tackling the emotional and practical side of ending a marriage, is like negotiating a minefield in oversized clown shoes.

Because there was once two of you promising to stay together forever. There was once two of you making plans, putting your trust in each other…

And then it all blew up in your face.

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A Word for 2016

strongwoman

Starting the year with a word to live by seemed a good idea last January.

And when I chose ‘acceptance’ I had no idea of the significance it was to have – as a short while after I wrote the original post, my husband announced our marriage was over.

Acceptance became a huge part of 2015, as I realised he’d started to move on months before he told me of his intentions to leave. There was nothing to fight for, no going back. A huge part of my life was finished.

Taking stock of the last 12 months, it was all about accepting… and learning to survive as a single parent.

I’ve looked back on 2015 with positivity, but there have been moments when the sadness swamped me. To tell the truth, it still does, as every so often a wave of “How the hell did I end up here?” hits me full in the face.

But I’m here. And putting one foot in front of the other is all I can do.

So what plans for 2016?

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Goodbye 2015… and thank you

goodbye

I lost my husband in 2015.

Sounds very careless of me, doesn’t it? Like I left him at the bus stop or something.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to belittle my marriage break-up. I guess I just use humour to cope with things.

But yes, when I look back at the year gone by, that’s probably the biggest event I’ll remember. That’s what 2015 has become in the milestones of my life. The year I ceased to be his other half and became “the ex”.

(And probably a lot of other, less-flattering descriptions which an impending divorce inevitably brings).

In the same way that old saying “Be careful what you wish for” tells us that an apparent blessing can be a curse, I’ve learned that what can appear to be a life-falling-apart disaster can bring with it so many gifts.

And it really is true that sometimes we don’t know what is best for us.

I’ve said a little this year about how life turned upside down, with a decision which was taken out of my hands, leaving very little option but to put one foot in front of the other.

As I journeyed through 2015, the landscape hasn’t been as bad as I feared.

Alongside the inevitable sadness, this past year has brought a lot to be thankful for.

And before I look forward to what 2016 might bring, it seems only fitting to send a big old thank you note to the last 12 months.

For the following gifts…

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To my sons: An apology

sorry

My beautiful boys,

I’m sorry.

Those two words don’t quite seem to cut it. But they’re true.

Since your Dad left a few short weeks ago and we became a fractured family, you’ve had a lot of adapting to do.

And I’m sorry for so many things.

But in these last few weeks I’m especially aware that I need to apologise to you, for some things in particular.

 
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What to expect when you’re becoming a single parent

singlemum

For months now I’ve been dipping my toe in the water of single motherhood.

But this shit is about to get real.

The ex has stayed in our spare room four days a week, but he will be moving out permanently in about a fortnight now.

Since deciding to split, we’ve maintained the facade of family until the kids got into the Summer hols. Then we broke the news and started the journey on helping them adjust.

It hasn’t been easy, and I think the final hurdle will be when reality hits and we actually become two separate households.

Ex hasn’t been able to get into his new flat until the beginning of September. But now his move in date is just around the corner and my apprenticeship as a lone parent is almost up.

I will be totally in charge of the welfare of two boys, aged nine and six. Eeeek!

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