The loneliest place in the world

 

shutterstock_370402028

The loneliest place in the world is inside my head when anxiety takes hold.

When I try to speak up for myself, but the voice which comes out only sounds sad and pathetic.

Or, even worse, like I’m trying to cause a drama or make something “all about me” because I take everything personally.

And I’m told “grow some balls” or “get over it and move on – like a NORMAL person would”.

That’s when I feel isolated and voiceless. Like anything I say to try to explain sounds so ‘me, me, me’ and only proves the other person’s point.

Because anxiety does make everything all about me. It’s my fault. I’m worthless.

And I can’t get over it quickly. I need to take some time to reassure myself. I need to talk things through, after an argument or an incident, and learn to feel better about myself, so I know how to avoid anxiety taking me to the worst case scenario should that situation happen again.

I don’t want to make everything all about me. I’m kind. I’m generous. I put others first in almost everything I do.

The loneliest place in the world is knowing that even those closest to me will put up with my anxiety for so long – before they start feeling resentful that they’re walking on eggshells, trying not to upset me, feeling pressured to constantly reassure me, feeling frustrated that I’m not coping better.

The truth is that some days I do. And on others, I don’t.

The loneliest place in the world is looking at someone who is saying “I’m here for you” and knowing that they won’t always be.

I can only tackle this myself. They are only human. Life will mean they can’t possibly be around whenever anxiety strikes.

And they won’t always recognise that the things I do are because of my anxiety.

Or sometimes they’ll feel like I’m anxious when I’m not – and the eggshell-walking starts when there’s really no need.

That’s when they lose patience with me. And I have to say I don’t blame them one little bit.

Anxiety is one complicated motherfucker and I hate it. Mostly it makes me feel sick and like I’m on a paranoia-inducing drug that I have to endure until it wears off.

I didn’t become anxious for attention, or to make myself special.

I became anxious because, just by being myself, some awful things happened. And I’m in a constant state of panic they might happen again.

Believe me.

Please.

I’m sorry.

I wrote this after a particularly sleepless night, spent rattling around inside my own head, and after reading this article. (Numbers 1 and 9 don’t apply to me – but the others all ring true)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

11 Thoughts on “The loneliest place in the world

  1. Anxiety is one of those things that can only truly be understood by someone who has walked that path too. The dark path that makes you question everything and everyone. Sending you all the love and support from someone who knows that there is no easy fix to anxiety and that it can rear its ugly head at the most random times.
    Sarah | Boo Roo and Tigger Too recently posted…iCandy Peach All Terrain PushchairMy Profile

  2. Oh Donna, I wish I could say something that would make it OK for you.

    I know it’s not the same but I’m a worrier by nature and honestly I could make myself ill from worrying about things that someone else wouldn’t even stop to think about. I’m working on re-focusing my mind when worry strikes and it’s a definite improvement for me.

    I’m even trying to get up the courage to join a meditation class this week because that’s supposed to be really helpful for worriers like me. I don’t know if that might help you at all .

    Thinking of you ;-)
    Cass recently posted…Leftovers Wellington….My Profile

  3. I also suffer from anxiety and have got very very good at hiding it. Not everyone understands what it’s like, but know that you are not alone. I think I can pinpoint the start of mine to an event that totally blindsided me, so I now tend to over worry about little things so that I am never caught off guard like that again.

  4. It sounds like the scariest thing, I can’t even pretend to understand how you must feel but talking to other suffers may be a good idea, to feel a sense of understanding and perhaps be a support for each other? I hope you can find the right coping strategies to keep things under control and squash the fear inside. Big Hugs xx
    Fiona Cambouropoulos recently posted…A Fairy Door to Paint YourselfMy Profile

  5. What a brave post. And do you know what? Getting this out of your head and into words shows that you are stronger than you think. Hitting publish can’t have been easy. But you did it.

    Keep writing it down, keep getting it out of your head and keep hitting publish. We are all here to virtually hold your hand. You really don’t have to go through this on your own. I know you feel isolated but the joy of social media is that there is always somebody around to listen and to tell you that you are most definitely not worthless. And that we believe you.
    Mummy Barrow recently posted…Window Wednesday — Guildford CathedralMy Profile

  6. I’m really sorry you’ve had a bad time lately. I suffer from anxiety too and was particularly bad over Christmas and the New Year. Here’s hoping 2017 is kinder to all of us.
    Linda Hobbis recently posted…Win A Global Gourmet Indian Curry Station By Sensio HomeMy Profile

  7. Nobody can understand anxiety unless they’ve experienced it and by anxiety, I don’t mean the anxiety that is normal. I mean the anxiety that consumes your waking and sleeping life. It’s a living hell that I wouldn’t wish on anybody. I have experienced it both sides though as my ex husband had a nervous breakdown when I was in my early 20s. I didn’t understand what he was going through. Now I do and I apologise everyday for things I said and did that were unhelpful. Three years ago I had a nocturnal panic attack and now I have GAD and health anxiety. I function but only just. I don’t want to be like this. Why would anybody WANT to be like this? You’re not alone lovely and I hope that you can beat this. There are many things you can do to help yourself. It’s just about finding what works for you and once you find it, keep at it every single day, even when you start to feel better. Much love X

  8. What an honest post and I hope you see the support and understanding you have from all the lovely comments. Bizarrely I’m also listening to women’s hour on Radio4 which is also talking about anxiety – it is a very real and very misunderstood issue. You’re absolutely right anxiety is mo-fo, it’s been crippling me from living the life I really really want to lead. Babysteps and call on support when you need it. All the best X
    Nik recently posted…the way we wereMy Profile

  9. I find that writing about things helps tremendously. Also writing about it /starting a conversation helps from keeping the subject taboo. Sending you bug hugs x

  10. I believe you and I get it xx
    Candi recently posted…Social media does get resultsMy Profile

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge

Post Navigation