This is me.
Donna.
I’m insecure. I really want to be liked. I take things personally.
And when I feel ignored, I sink deeper into PND.
It’s not your fault. It’s not my fault.
It’s that old cliche. My childhood.
I’ve blogged about my relationship with my dad, who left when I was a baby.
My mum, who raised me grudgingly, making it obvious she blamed me for being alone.
Feeling invisible was a big theme, growing up.
And being a good girl – to prove I was worthy of being noticed.
For more than 30 years, I was determined my start in life wasn’t going to get to me, or hold me back.
And by trying not to be a victim, I didn’t face up to my past or let the emotions out.
Then I had a baby.
And the repressed feelings are still pouring from me like a burst dam.
I cry at things which are genuinely sad.
But I also cry at silly things.
Take the other morning, on Twitter.
A blogger was saying how her posts have never made it onto a popular Top 10 list.
I agreed. In our 18 months doing Mummy Central, Elizabeth and I have never been selected for this particular honour. Or at least I can never remember being in one.
And the tears came.
Not because of this Top 10. But because of what it stands for.
Fitting in – and the fact I never feel like I do.
It began a Tweetfest about how cliquey women can be – in any situation.
And bizarrely, one of the bloggers who chipped in and told me not to be so silly (well that was her gist) has routinely ignored me on Twitter. And even failed to reply to my emails.
Yeah, thanks love, but you’re choosing to communicate with me now? Seriously?! Don’t bother.
I’m not often brave enough to speak out about these things, as people get defensive and can even turn nasty.
And I don’t want to come across as whining or “look at me, look at me”.
But my counselling for PND is teaching me this is part of my problem.
Wanting to be noticed, but never brave enough to speak up – in case it makes me unpopular.
To make sure I wasn’t being paranoid (as I know I can be) I jumped onto this particular website and read five weeks’ worth of Top 10s.
And found the same blogger mentioned three times.
So my point was valid.
Another good indication was that there were plenty of other bloggers in Twitterland who said they felt shut out.
So I’m not alone.
As usual, the Twitter conversation came down to someone saying I should blog for myself – and not care what others think. I’ve heard bloggers say this before.
But let’s be real people.
If we’re writing for ourselves, for the sole pleasure of putting our words down, why aren’t we just filling a diary – in a book or on a private computer?
Why are we blogging, in a forum where there’s a chance other people will read?
Why are we Tweeting posts? Facebooking them?
Is anyone going to actually admit we’re writing because we want to reach others?
We want to be part of a community. To have someone tell us they’ve enjoyed our writing. Share our journeys.
So I’m going to say it.
Look at meeeeeeeeee
I’m Donna.
I’m learning that speaking up for what I want doesn’t have to sound needy.
I deserve to be noticed.
I’m friendly. I write good stuff. I’m worth the attention.
Comments on posts lift my spirits.
If what I’m saying pi**es you off or means you don’t like me, I will have to be strong enough to take that.
If you choose not to read, if you sneer at me over this, so be it.
I don’t expect this to alter things. I don’t expect to miraculously become one of the popular ones.
But I’m finding the courage to say what I think. I can’t change others, but I can change myself.
I’m going to read, and be warm and supportive to those who extend me their friendship.
(And I’m thankful to those who already have – you know who you are).
For those who don’t…..
Well, I won’t say I don’t care because I do. That’s just the way I am.
But I’m going to block/unfollow/waste as little time on them as I possibly can.
This is me.
No clique.
No pretence.
A little fear.
But no more hiding.
YAY!!! You go girl! I love ya warts anarl!
x
You don’t count. We’ve been drunk together through most of our 20s (but I love you too) x
Hurrah! Many pats on Donna’s back… You’ve turned something that you perceive as a weakness (wanting to be liked) into a huge strength (not wasting time on folk who don’t reciprocate), which is difficult to do.
Twitter and blogging is such a bloody minefield. For the first six months or so on there I followed everyone I *thought* I should follow ie all the most popular parent bloggers. I’d try to join in conversations, and some of them responded in a very friendly way, others completely ignored me. I will admit that it got me down a lot too, and then after a while I decided to just unfollow all the folk who couldn’t be bothered. I only follow about half as many folk as I used to, and there are very few folk that I now follow that I haven’t had a conversation with. It makes for a much, much happier Twitter experience.
Enough things that are outwith your control can come along and dent your confidence, definitely no need to keep things in your life by choice when they do the same. Online life is no different to everyday life – sometimes you’ll click with someone and they’ll turn into a friend, sometimes you’ll go for one coffee and there’ll be no chemistry so you won’t see them ever again.
Keep being yourself, because you are talented and very lovely. You were one of the people who I found hugely supportive and inspiring when I started blogging, and I remember being a bit bowled over that you took the time to be friendly because I had you down as one of the big popular, longstanding bloggers! It’s all relative, eh?
Great job on a post that I bet wasn’t very easy to write xxx
P.S. I know you made the Ten at Ten at least once because it was last December, and I wrote it
Thanks Ruth. Still hiding behind the couch, waiting for the backlash (if anyone bothers to read!) You are a great source of support, and I can’t thank you enough.
We also got a mention on a Britmums round-up once as well – but the blogger writing it took the sheen off the whole thing by attributing the post to “one of Mummy Central – I don’t know which”.
We’re not bloody Ant and Dec! You can tell us apart. And our names are on the top of every post.
I might have been more forgiving, but I’d also met this blogger at the MADs last year. So I obviously made a great impression then.
Hrrrrmmmmph!
I love your blog. It was one of the first blogs I ever read, I can remember the first time I read it clearly. We were playing on the wii for the first time, Mr. TBaM was having his go and I spent half an hour reading your blog. I was impressed with the topics you covered, the way you wrote and I thought you were one of the big bloggers. I still love our blog and it is one of those that I regularly comment on.
Whoever said that to you (worried I’m having a moment and it was me because I’ve been mentioned a few times lately!) needs to bog off and remember where they came from. I completely agree with you, the minute we press publish we want to be read, we want to have comments: anyone who says anything different is lying through their teeth. I want to be liked, I want to be read, I want to be included. I know where you’re coming from completely.
I think you rock!
Awww you are always supportive and I’m not referring to you when I talk about the unfriendlies x
What a brave post to write, I love your blog and think it is a lot better than a lot that I read and I agree wholeheartedly about some of the bloggers on Twitter I can think of 2 in particular who are very, very rude! Keep up the good work hun, you are a lovely person xxxxx
Well shame on the two in particular. I wonder if they’re the same as my two…….?
I am usually unable to post a comment after reading your stories as I am unable to see properly,either crying with laughter at another hilarious happening or sobbing at something very sad you have told right from the heart!!! You are a brilliant writer and person!!! xx
Hey I’m not saying everyone has to post a comment. I know life is busy. It’s usually bloggers who comment (in the hope of getting a reciprocal comment on their own site). Just telling it like it is.
An honest and brave post Donna! Well done! axx
Feel I’ve played the clown for so long Avril. And it hasn’t been me. It’s hidden a lot of insecurities.
I know the blogger Donna and the friend Donna. Both are more than worthy of attention and consideration. You are you babe and those of us who know you well, celebrate the person you are and feel privileged to have you in our lives. xx
Ditto honey. You are a genuine friend. Not many of those around x
I Ioved your blog. I was telling a friend about your writing talent yesterday. Very refreshing, honest, often hilarious and usually strikes a chord. Keep up the good work.
That’s so kind. Thank you. *blushes*
A great post, that I could have written, (apart from the childhood part), I always want to be liked, and seen as good, but I never quite seem to fit with the ‘popular’ people.
At the moment I am quite rubbish at reading other blogs, I think maybe I am following too many and then I get overwhelmed by them all and read none!
What I have read always seems good (although I am guilty of not knowing who has written the post, so will try harder in future!), I think the site is great and I first came upon you both with the Parentonomy and posted about my PND, I think I may have contributed a couple more, but as I have a sieve for a brain I really don’t know!
I think you are very brave for writing the post, but also very strong in recognising it is time to let the unfriendly people go and not continue to be hurt and upset by them.
Thank you Mrs Mind.
And yes, I think you have done a few Parentonomy links for us. I remember you *waves*.I am taking on board the fact people don’t seem to know us individually – and think maybe we should do something about that so it’s easier to tell us apart, and which posts we’ve written.I feel I am both brave and a bit foolish – baring my weaknesses. But it’s heartwarming that nobody’s given me abuse for it (yet!)
Great post. I’ve come across a few unfriendlies on Twitter, some people can be so rude, so I empathise with how you feel. I love receiving comments – it really makes my day – nothing wrong with that at all. Really honest post.
Just think it’s about time we were honest.
I read your post and loved it, I haven’t come across you before (so to speak) but am following you now (again so to speak) and loom forward to your next post xx
Aaaarrrrrghhh! *rushes off to write something half interesting*.
Seriously though. I didn’t write this for pity. I intend to write as well as I can to entertain you and justify your following us. Thanks honey x
Brilliant post and the blogging world is very cliquey! We have all come across the people that ignore us every time we tweet them but there are also those that always talk back and very friendly luckily.
Well done for saying it as it is x
Thanks. Thought it was just me (who got ignored). But good to hear it’s nothing personal. Doesn’t take a minute to Tweet, does it?
Felt myself nodding as I read your post!! Sending hugs from Bournemouth and I always look forward to reading your posts x x
REALLY?!! Always thought of you as a very comfortable and popular lady (but still one of the friendly ones) xxx
This is te first time I have read your blog and after reading this post, I am now following
I find the blogging community very cliquey too but sod em, it’s their loss xx
Oh God, no pressure then! Hope we can entertain you. We try our best.
Have to say we avoided the blogging conferences this year because it’s very expensive (if you’re in Scotland) and if you feel like you just don’t fit in, it’s a very lonely expense
What a great post, I think you are speaking out for a lot of women out there, I for one feel invisible at times but I have decided not to worry. Keep up the fab blog. X x
Just goes to show when the cliquey lot say “she’s being paranoid” that they’re wrong. If a few of us feel the same, then it is a very real problem.
*waves* I never bother looking at the “top posts” roundups because they’re always the same people. Let’s face it – nobody could possibly ever read every blogpost published every week so they’re obviously going to select ones from the very limited pool of bloggers they follow. xxx
Very true Cheryl. But I can honestly say if I was doing a roundup, I’d try to read a few unknowns – so I could introduce some new names to the blogging community. Plus I try to follow a couple of new blogs every month – just to keep things fresh.
I love this post. I hate how others can make us feel. But I am like you. I love your honesty. Hugs x
I’ve just come to realise that I will always be someone who takes things to heart. But that can be a good thing. Means I’m sensitive to other people’s feelings (or at least I hope I am – we all make mistakes)
Not a reader of the Top 10 myself but hello Donna nice to ‘meet’ you
Hello there. Thanks for stopping by *waves*
A very honest post, Donna and I think you are very brave to share it. You are a very good writer.Try not to take it to heart if people seem to be ignoring you. Sometimes I guess it is because they don’t know what to say.
Well you know I like you and your posts coz I subscribe and I read them and I comment and you’re kind enough to often comment on mine. I know exactly how you feel about this not fitting in malarchy and this blogging world has some people who are really up themselves (and I’ve ‘met’ some of them at events) – like all walks of life have – but the great thing is that you can gradually find your way among it all and stick with those who you ‘click’ with, rather than those who ‘clique’ with. Even I’m impressed with what I did there! Good for you for speaking out and saying what lots of us feel X
Great post and great advice for us all to remember (especially me who also takes things personally so much and doesn’t want to upset anyone) thank you! xxx
Good for you, courage is a great thing. Mich x
Brilliant and true, and I can’t think how I missed this post when you first wrote it!