They Don’t Call It Labour for Nothing!

(c) United States Army Africa

Would you go to the dentist and insist they do a major tooth extraction without anaesthetic?

Or if you needed your appendix removed, would you tell the surgeon “Just whip it out – I can take it”? No, of course you wouldn’t.

So why do some women see childbirth as a badge of honour, if we can get through it drug-free and without medical intervention?

We can’t help it. During pregnancy, everyone goes on about how natural it is for a woman to have a baby.

They point out that we’ve been doing it for millions of years, before modern medecine could intervene. And that in Africa they work the entire nine months, then deliver their offspring at the side of the road.

Of course, most of these people lecturing us have never had children – and fail to point out that, many of these women and their babies have died in childbirth.

But the biggest treachery of all comes from those smug mums who endorse the propaganda that labour is a doddle, the ones who tell stories of cooking a five-course dinner just before popping down to the hospital, and meditating their way into motherhood.

The truth of the matter is they have either been incredibly lucky to have a straightforward birth, and/or small baby.

Or they’re lying.

Celebrity mums, being in such an influential position, are the worst culprits.

I’ll never forget Kate Winslet having her daughter – her first child – then pronouncing that women were irresponsible if they asked for pain relief in labour.

Her little girl, she bragged, was born naturally and without complications.

Four years later, she admitted Mia arrived via an emergency C-section.

“There’s this thing amongst women that if you can handle childbirth you can handle anything. I had never handled childbirth and I felt like in some way I couldn’t enter the ‘powerful women’s club’,” she said.

Of course, she only felt able to admit this after having her second child – naturally.

“Fourteen hours with no drugs at all, but then I had to have an epidural because I was so tired. It was an incredible birth. It was really triumphant.”

How can labour be a failure, when you end up with a healthy baby at the end? Why do we care so much how we arrived at that outcome?

And do I detect a niggle within the Titanic actress which still says ‘I didn’t do it on my own’ – otherwise why would she have to tell us about the 14 hours she was drug-free?

Today, Kirstie Allsopp has criticised the NCT for not including enough information about C-sections in their ante-natal classes.

The presenter, whose two sons were born by caesarian, said she and thousands of other mums were being made to feel a failure for not giving birth naturally.

And she has revealed she was even advised to ignore doctors’ advice and try to give birth without medical intervention.

Venting her anger on Twitter, Kirstie said: “I’m a confident woman and know I took the best advice.

“But it makes me want to cry that some women don’t have the information they need at such an important time. It has to stop.”

I, too, was guilty of believing that a little mood music and a few deep breaths was all I’d need to get through it.

And I allowed others’ comments to seep into my subconscious, making me determined to show how brave I was.

Then I put up with contractions for 17 hours (beat you Kate – ha ha!) before puffing into the maternity ward and demanding an epidural pronto.

And I thank the heavens that I did.

My son was 8lb 10oz, and arrived after an episiotomy and third degree tearing (apologies if you’ve just eaten!).

He turned his head and got stuck. Just minutes away from an emergency C-section, the doctors pulled him out with a ventouse – a suction instrument which resembles an old-fashioned torture device.

They spent so long sewing me back together in theater, my husband started to feel like a single parent.

But thanks to the numbing effects of the epidural, I didn’t experience the agony and subsequent trauma which no doubt would have followed that first birth.

Nor would I have considered a second child. But two and a half years later I was back in the same hospital, giving birth again.

You’d think by this time I’d have wised up to the fact that labour wasn’t a competition or a show of strength, wouldn’t you?

But with the first time a mere memory, I’d started to think here was my second chance to prove myself.

Surely, having delivered a baby before, my body could do it completely au naturale this time?

Being induced, I knew it would all happen faster, and was confident that I could handle the short-haul with elegance and aplomb.

As they put the drip into me, my husband wandered off for a coffee, having been assured his warrior wife was ready to fight the good fight.

By the time he returned, 30 minutes later, I had a vice-like grip on the gas and air and was mooing like a constipated heiffer as the anaesthetist tried to get the epidural I’d demanded into my spine.

Once done, the familiar feeling of relief swept over me and I was happily able to welcome my 9lb 4oz son into the world after just seven hours.

So I have no excuses. I had two attempts at it.

One birth was slow, the other fairly quick. One was like the chainsaw massacre, the other….. was like the chainsaw massacre 2 but with less stitches at the end.

No matter how you put it, I just couldn’t do it on my own.

But why do I need an excuse? Why do I have to justify myself to other mums who popped out their offspring like shelling peas?

I have child-bearing hips, I have all of the equipment. But sometimes the journey just doesn’t go to plan.

With so many sad stories of pregnancies resulting in miscarriage or stillbirth, why don’t we just celebrate the fact we’re healthy and we got through it with a fantastic, loving child?

Motherhood should be a sisterhood, something we’re all proud to enter. And giving birth is just the start of a series of challenges we should help each other through, without competition or judgement.

Tags: Childbirth, Epidural, Kate Winslet, Kirstie Allsopp, NCT, Pregnancy, Titanic, Twitter